


Slamming On The Breaks

by Bakafirekitsunesama



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, all the other characters except for Conner are just kinda there on the sidelines, protect conner murphy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 11:57:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10830807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bakafirekitsunesama/pseuds/Bakafirekitsunesama
Summary: Conner Murphy has been falling to the ground his entire life and no one is around to hear.





	Slamming On The Breaks

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my contribution to the DEH fandom. I know that we only saw the real Conner for like 5 minutes but what we saw of him and what we learn from his family really struck a cord with me and I proceeded to project like crazy all over him. I based a lot of this off of my own experiences growing up and my own mental health. Please let me know how you think I did!

The sun shines off the water in the small kiddie pool and Conner Murphy can't look away. He's 3 years old, finally just big enough for a pet, only now he's going to have hundreds! There has to be over a hundred of them in the water, he knows cause he counted and there definitely more than 20 which is the highest he could count. Tadpoles. Conner has been checking on the pool everyday for a whole 4 days! He can't help himself from imagining the day they become full frogs and then he'll never be alone. Hundreds of friends just for him. He can hardly wait.

Conner can't stop screaming.  
Screaming.  
Screaming.  
Gone. Gone. Gone  
They're dead and Conner can't stop screaming or crying. Daddy had said he couldn't go outside to check on his poles cause the Grassman was coming to take the grass away. So he'd run to the window to watch and wait only to see the Grassman tip his pool over, push it away, and run over all his poles with the mower. He's in the air being held by mommy and he can't stop screaming. Daddy is yelling at mommy, Conner is screaming, mommy is frantically yelling back at daddy in his ear, and Conner just wants to disappear into the grass with his tadpoles. He keeps screaming.

He screams for an hour and a half, then refuses to leave the house for a week.

* * *

It's finally his turn! His week to be line leader! Mrs. G _always _follows the roll call chart for line leader and it's finally his turn! Last week was Lily, who is right before him during roll call, and next it will be Brian who is right after him during roll call but this week. This week it's Conner's turn, his turn to finally to show the other kids that he can be a good line leader and then may be they won't run away from him. A chance to make real live friends, friends who aren't just in his head.__

Only, only Mrs. G isn't calling his name to the front of the class to lead the line. 

She's calling _Brian _.__

She won't listen! So what if he already has 3 frowny faces on his chart for the day. It wasn't his fault Alana didn't know who Krypto the Superdog was and kept ignoring him when he told her. He didn't mean to yell at her but she wouldn't listen. Now everything is going blurry at the edges of his eyes and Mrs. G just wouldn't listen. It wasn't fair! He never got a turn, everything is fuzzy, and that Stupid Evan Hansen kid was crying for the third time that morning. Mrs. G's printer was suddenly on the floor on top of her foot and he didn't even remember leaving his desk or pushing the printer or nothing and and and now he couldn't breath and Mrs. G was screaming really loudly. 

By the time another teacher comes running into the classroom Conner has passed out.

* * *

Conner is 13 and he wants to die. He can't stop thinking about it because every time he does it's like bugs crawling all over his skin. Everything is numb except for the times he's either extremely happy or angry. Mostly though he's nothing. It's like a fog through his brain but being happy seems fake and even though he can remember happy memories, they feel distant and out of reach. It's like looking at a photo of somebody else laughing, you know they are happy, but you yourself can't feel any of the emotion they are showing.  
More than half the time he feels like he's floating through the air, as if he's suddenly gotten taller and everything around him has shrunk.

The room is destroyed and the taste of bile rests on the back of his tongue. His throat burns and he knows he's been screaming, but the memory of it floats out of his reach. There are dark marks turning purple on the inside of his left forearm and he distantly realizes that it's because he was banging it on the edge of his dresser. The last thing he can remember is working on his homework and struggling with one of the questions but a quick glance around the room confirms the pages are scattered around the floor. He numbly picks his room up, still crying, placing all of the broken items in a corner. He can't even look at his homework with out feeling sick to his stomach so he shove it into his bag and throws it under his bed.

* * *

Conner is 15, sitting on the couch, begging his mom to let him get help. He's going to die. He knows it, feels it deep in his bones that making it to 18 is impossible. The world is so so heavy. Breaking down in front of his mom wasn't part of the plan but here he was. It had been an accident but he'd dropped a plate and his mom had caught slamming his fists into his head and crying. Everything had just come tumbling out but it was like his mom wasn't even listening. She just kept saying she needed to talk to _Fucking Larry _and that he just needed to release all this bad energy, it wasn't so bad. Did she think this was just normal teenage angst? Was she even going to help him or just keep going on about energies as if his entire existence wasn't just bad energy.__

__Fucking Larry says it's all in his head, that he needs to man up and stop crying all the time. Zoe won't stop siding with him as if it's his fault that his brain is held together with peeling scotch tape. He feels so alone and he knows with the same certainty that he knows he's going to die that they are never going to help him. He's going to die and he's going to die alone._ _

* * *

__He doesn't remember it but Zoe won't talk to or go near him. She tells their mom and Fucking Larry that he's a psychopath, that they can't make her go near him. She says that he tried to kill her, even though he can't remember it, his fists and throat hurt and her bedroom door is cracked. He lays face down on his bed and tries to die. He hates her, hates his this house, hates his parents, and hates himself. Everybody else hates him so why can't he hate them back._ _

__It's not fair._ _

__Nothing is ever fair._ _

__Fuck this._ _

* * *

He's 17 and they're laughing at him. They're always fucking laughing at him.  
Always. Always. Always.  
He can't get away, he feels so small and they're so many and they wont stop laughing and there he is. Fucking Jared Whatever is fucking laughing, like always. He can't even get a single goddamned moment of peace, Jared is caustic as always and his stupid friend, the one who is always crying in the bathrooms, is fucking laughing. Why?! What did he do to deserve this? Why do they always laugh at him why wont they stop j u s t stop fucking laughing.

He shouldn't have pushed that Evan kid. The world got all fuzzy like it did sometimes and all he could think about was "school shooter chic" and laughter and there he was with his big dopey eyes and Conner just couldn't stand it. It wasn't his fault though and he's sitting on the other side of the computer lab and Conner can't stop staring at him. He's trying not to be obvious but Evan is getting more and more flustered which is clearly Conner's fault. Who wouldn't get upset with him staring them down. Conner always ruins everything. Why does he have to ruin everything he's so fucking awful.

The printer is printing now and on the top there it is "Dear Evan Hansen". This is it. Here's his chance but for some reason he can't shake the thought of tadpoles out of his head. Look now he's standing in front of him, when did he get over here again? Conner can't remember but there it is. He doesn't know what to say, his throat feels squeezed tight with rubber bands and oh he's signing Evans cast and he. hurt. him. Stupid. Fuck Goddamn, he didn't mean to hurt him -- can't fucking do anything right goddamn fuck. He hasn't said this much to someone outside of his house or head in forever in so long. He's reaching out to hand Evan the letter when he sees it.

It's like the world has tied a noose around his neck and the ground just dropped from underneath him and he wants to die right then and there. Wishes he could just bash his head through one of the computer screens. 

Of fucking course. 

Evan is just like everyone else. Just like his asshole friend, he's mocking him. Standing there with his stupid face, waiting for crazy Conner Murphy to just blow up! To just... to just... Conner feels tired and the letters feels like a brand in his pocket when he walks away.

* * *

Conner Murphy is 17 years old.

He feels a thousand.

He's floating through the void, his hands are numb, and he can't stop screaming. His room smells like weed and he's broken everything on his dresser. No one is going to come to his room to check on him

No one ever does.

No one cares.

He hurts.

Everything hurts

Breathing hurts

He just wants to stop

* * *

So he stops.


End file.
